Aaaand now, it’s the last few days of August.
This entire month has been spent in a state of transition:
*End of summer break
*End of old lease
*Looking for a newer used vehicle
*Starting new lease
*Starting to re-engage with academia
All of which led me back to the anxiety that I know all too well. This is the last semester of my stay in this grad program and I’m unsure that I can complete the course I am registered for without causing a bit of tumult. The course I am referring is going to be discussing the concept of race and how it is philosophically understood and used within our culture. There has only been one class (a sort of introductory discussion of terms like race) and there has already been so many offensive things said about it that I am already thinking of self-‘care’ techniques to help me get through it. That, and the impending debt and crunch of trying to find a full-time paying gig that allows for me to keep thinking and writing before applying to doctoral programs waiting for me on the flip side.
From this I woke up in a cold sweat, was compelled to write and share it, so here it is:
Being Worth More Than a Speed Bump
Anxiety wakes you
from finding any rest
’cause you can’t stop thinking
of relentless Black death.
You’re constantly reminded
of the concessions you’ve made
ones that are slowly killing you,
driving you steadily toward your grave.
Personhood and Respectability
being Black and Proud,
queering spaces like your voice
is one that is allowed.
But what happens when you realize
that you’re being used,
a cog to be tortured and abused?
When your unique voice begins to blend in
with all the other ones
painstakingly trying to defend,
the value of life that is often quantified by death,
which ends up making you feel perpetual hopelessness-
Because you know there’s a real difference
between personhood and humanity,
and according to most
you’re but a valuable commodity.
Sinking under the loans that quantify your worth,
all you can do is avoid and swerve–
and all you are taught
is that you never earned all the swagger that you got,
because of things like
Tolerance, Diversity, and the lot.
So, fuck Your diversity
and Your insidious comfortability,
Your placation of the status quo
under the guise of non-conformability.
Everyday you must think before you engage,
as every. single. step. leads ever-closer to the grave.
Written by Me on 8.28.15
One thing I think I’m going to try to do in the way of self-care is to at least share my thoughts on the conceptual analysis that goes on during the course in a way that is palatable and makes sense to the flow of this blog. This might manifest in sharing prose, original poetry, linking videos, sharing poetry that reflects tensions felt during class. Either way, I’ll try and connect everything either under a new category and/or under the same tag #CPR (Critical Philosophy of Race). Either way, I really hope that these posts are entertaining at the very least, and/or usefully in service to the struggle at best.
Bear with me, comrades. The best is yet to come.
Until Next Time,